1/ Plan the fucker well in advance… Why are we having a meeting, what are we trying to achieve, and err, where was I?

2/ Circulate the agenda to all the lazy bastards attending so they at least have to do a modicum of preparation and you can cover your own arse.

3/ Bring a frying pan - this is to smack all the late showers in the face as they breeze in with "Sorry I’m late guys you are all so fucking thick that I will wheel out the old "traffic was bad" excuse for me being so arrogant as to think I can continually turn up for work at 5 past 9 and get away with it and I really don’t want to be here anyway".

The phrase "he got a right panning for being late" will become a key company business tool.

4/ Set a timescales and stick to it - if someone overruns their allocated time slot then cut out their tongue. 

This will prevent them from doing it again and serve as a warning to others not to overrun. 

5/ Take minutes and circulate them within 4 hours of the meeting finishing otherwise all attendees will have completely forgotten what the meeting was about - and send aforesaid minutes to all. Make sure the "minute taker" is from planet earth and can accomplish this.

6/ Formulate a set of actions for people to do before the next meeting, this should involve more than reminders to do their daily tasks (breathe, eat, shit).

7/ Ban the use of the S word. Yes who gives a shit about sales?

8/ Encourage the use of the S word. 

Yes toilet etiquette is a key business driver to be reported on each week and suitable management time needs to be dedicated to  this.

Encourage use of correct toilet phraseology - "below the line", and "flock of starlings"  should be entered as KPIs. 

Monitor and set kpis for the S word - this is one area you can show to your managers where you can excel. 

9/ Bring a pen and pad. 

It will impress your bosses - you can look prepared, and great for doodling whilst the meeting lingers on. 

10/ Remember your name 

A key part of meeting is to remember your name - then when you are spoken to you can remember to reply. 

Nameplates are good for this, they also indicate to others that you have planned correctly and are in control.